Why ?

Someone asked a very common question today, lots of people did asked me the same question before. I never get angry with that question before, but today something just hit me & I was very upset. Maybe I was already upset with other stuff, being really sick for the last couple of days, staying in the ER for straight couple of days didn’t help either. I know he just asked a simple question to someone he doesn’t even know, but it got me thinking.Why, why & why? Why I went back to school? Why didn’t I took the easy way ?

Well, I m at my 30s, a single mom, with no job experience, with no family here in NY, had no money; why in the world I decided to go back to school after 15 long years? They say, I should’ve just started a full time job, I m too old to go back to school. I don’t have the energy, capacity or time to go back to school. Some called me stupid, naive, arrogant, to full of myself, making the biggest mistake of my life. Some even say if you r going back to school why don’t start in a field where is good for a women like me, like medical assistant, or assistant teacher. Why in the world I choose a Art school, a very expensive one, who will pay for it, how u will get the admission, its just not possible! I m wasting my time, energy, life after a dream that will never come true, I should just be a good mom & take care of my son, just be practical. Oh some even say I should start looking for rich, educated man & get married again before I get too old, so I don’t have to go through all of this !

Well, its been 15 long months I started this WAR, yes I said it, its a WAR against all the Men who think we women r good for nothing, we are born to cook, clean, have babies, take care of their home, listen to them like doll and just make them happy. At first as a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother; keep listening to all the men in our lives! Let me tell u guys, Our lives matters too, we have a HEART too! Without us Women you MEN will be nothing, nothing at all ! If we can give birth to you all, then we can do the rest which life throws at us. We literally don’t need any man to take care of us. Only Allah(stw) we need, thats all..

I started school because I needed to teach my son that its never too late to start your life over, take control your own life. Never to give the keys to your own happiness to someone else’s hands. And in this world if u want to live a decent respectful life u need education. Knowledge will always make u a better person. Although it depends where u r using your knowledge. And of course I need to prove that as a woman I can also dream big & achieve what my heart wants. I can take care of me & my kid, don’t need any man..!I was even taking care of my son all alone while I was married!

I have been taking care of my son, his needs, my school, even got a decent job, find a good home, and getting closer to my dreams.Yeah it was not easy, not easy at all ! I didn’t come this far just by sitting & saying big stuff, I worked my A… off ! Specially when the people you once knew, left u the second you needed them the most. Some people act they care but they never did, some run away thinking I will ask money or whatever, Or ask a place to stay.They forgot the main thing that Allah (stw) takes care all of us, He can also take care of me & my son. So stop being so FAKE & giving the fake smile & saying oh I love u! You r the best! Because, if u cared, if u loved me,You would have been there when I actually needed you.

My times will get better without you all inshallah. Don’t say stuff behind my back not even knowing my life, my story. Most of you don’t even have the strength or heart to tolerate what I had to go through for the past 15 years & what I had been going through for the last 15 months! I don’t know if I have any enemies, but I will not even want my enemies to have my Past or my present..!

And u know what I m trying my best, although I don’t even know when I last slept for straight 3/4 hours, but I m ok. My son is doing much much better then before, we have a roof over our head, food in the table. Maybe we r poor but , we have peace in our life.

The people who LOVES me, they never left me for a second, I ignored their calls, I m still ignoring their love for me, but still they keep loving me. Because they know me, they know my heart, they feel my pain. This small amount of people will always be there for me without me even asking…! I m very lucky to even have them in my life after all the ignoring. 

I m still learning who is TRUE & who is FAKE, I will get good at this after couple of heart breaking, but I will definitely learn this!

And Soon I will finish this WAR that I have started inshallah, next time you see me it should make u think again that a WOMEN can do anything if she wants to & if Allah(stw) helps her……

Break down

Oh my beloved break down all of those barriers you feel surrounds you,

Maybe this will be the only moment we ever get to see each other.

Who knows maybe this is the last poem we will ever wrote for each other.,

Why you Always sitting besides that window,

Being lonely and out of place with  all of this sadness.

Please break down all those barriers you feel surrounds you,

Quietly all alone finishing yourself for what sense?

Oh beloved…

Open the door of that big dark heart of yours,

so my love can come through ..

Maybe this moment of our being together,will finally make the history.

We will be remembered as Cinderella and her prince.

Don’t you make me regret loving u,

So humanity will loose faith on

the love so true.

I have my sadness inside me,

Still  you always see me smiling

with  no pain or regrets .

This life is so short;

why waste it for all the nonsense all around!

Why u have all this pain inside u,

Break all of your barriers and come fall into my arms,

Maybe this time someone will write poems about our true love..